and when she speaks
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
my worlds are breaking apart. my hopes are crushed. all by u. u said u love me. u said u cared for me. but ur actions dun even click wif ur words! u're the one hu set it up, and now u're the one hu make it stop. don't u tink wad u've done is very unfair to me ? ya, i was at fault becos i died for sumone else but not u. but why?? why do u haf to treat me tis waee? we jus started n u wan to gif up? u noe how it feels? u noe how painful im feeling? do all of u noe wad im going thru! u dont! wtf. when i was hospitalised, u noe the pain im gg thru??!!! needles poke into my flesh. for 4 farking daes. anybody can uds tt pain? looking at ur own flesh, own blood. but u culd do nth about it. nurses haf to change clothes for me, n i cant do it all by myself. its jus changing clothes. i cant even pour a cup of water by myself. i dun even haf the strength to do it.the feeling of reali h e l p l e s s . n, i put aside my pride jus to haf u back. i noe the ans long ago but i jus didnt gif up. i wan to hear u personally sae the ans. ok, all tis i can forget it. suan le. when i discharge, i told myself, i wan to start afresh. i wan to forget my past. i took alot alot of courage to stand up again, to treasure wif hu i haf, to lead a simple life. its a new mi. and wad happened now?? u bloody hell tell mi u wan to leave mie???? why!!! y izit tt when i regain my confidence, when i wan start everything anew, when i needed u the most u wan to leave me??? u noe how i feel? u r like tearing mi apart. giving mi so much hopes n crushing it jus in a second. fark it. i have never felt so helpless in my life before. now tt i fall again. i reali dun haf the courage to stand up again. i reali dun haf. so does tt means tt wad u told me is all fake? including ur feelings for me?? hais. i was tinking, y did god save my life tt dae? y dont jus let mi go??? u noe how miserable it is to go thru all this farking incidents once in a shot??? den, the next dae, my parents quarrel. quarrel until like shit. mum start to question mi all sorts of tings. i had enuff. i jus told her not to care for mi anymore. jus let mi rot all by myself. i dun nid anyone's concern now. she kips tinking tt im having depression now n she even wan to find 2 counsellers to counsel me. pls. stop tat. im not crazy. i oso dun nid any psychiatrist. all of u pls stop seeing mi as a crazy woman. im normal. i dun nid all tis! by doing all tis all of u are making mi even more craZy! i jus told her. stop doing all tis shits. i wun appreciate. in fact i will hate her even more, pls dun make mi hate u n pls dun force mi. to do the tings tt i dunwan to do. im reali going crazy. stop forcing me. reali tired of life. sigh~ y do i haf to go thru all tis shits! y mus it be me...............
LOOK. this is wad the needles did to my hand.
left
HER
thoughts
2:25 AM;;
